Plain as the No…, Nevermind.


I owe an old friend an apology. He probably doesn’t remember, but when I was young, and stupid, and in my 20s, I made some wisecracks about his personal hygiene habits. He shrugged me off, and casually told me that when I was his age, I would understand.

When I was in my 30s, I never really got the chance, what with raising two boys and all, but I was pretty young even then. I probably would have made the same smart remarks.

And I grew them all myself!
And I grew them all by myself!

Now I’m in my mid 40s (I have to ask The Lady, my personal calendar for all things tied to a certain date–I think I’m 45) and finally it’s hit me. I understand now. I’m sorry Don.

That nose hair trimmer, I bet, is the most awesome invention ever.

Because why not?
Because why not?

I came to the realization on the way home from picking up my older son, the Meerkat, that my vebrissae have proliferated.

That’s the scientific term, folks. Let me put it another way. I’m growing a new set of eyebrows. Inside my nose. This doesn’t make me any more gross than any other 40-something-year-old male, right?

So, of course, this whole thing prompted me to take a picture of the inside of my nose. A picture is worth a thousand words, and I promised myself I’d make a 500-word blog out of it. This was not as easy as it sounded, taking a nose-selfie. Ahh, the decisions… Should I grimace? eyes open or closed? Flash or no flash? It took 30 minutes to pick my nose… uh, pose. I decided my front-facing head lump looks vaguely like a corpse’s. Damn incandescent lighting.

Vintage advertisement from the 1940s. Fatal Infection Alert! And, your finger might get stuck in there!
Vintage advertisement from the 1940s.
Fatal Infection Alert! And also, your finger might get stuck in there.

And that’s what you get for leaving me alone with a camera and 45 years’ worth of nosehair-growing experience.

And, then, of course, because I exhibit obsessive behaviors on occasion, I spent the next 30 minutes researching nosehair trimmers on Amazon.com. Wow. You can buy anything there. And some other stuff, too. There were at least 40 hits for micro-trimmers (the polite term for people who don’t admit to having nose hair), nose hair trimmers, ear hair trimmers, and the occasional, uh, “false positives” (as we librarians like to call them). If you ever spot anything that advertises Hitachi Magic Wand ®attachments, well… They’re probably not for trimming your nose.

A few fun facts.

  • NosePorn.com isn’t a registered domain name. Grab it quick because now that I’ve made that secret public, it’s probably not gonna stay unregistered for long.
  • It’s been circulated as urban myth that King Tutankhamen had a pharaonic Royal nosepicker. Probably not true, but if anyone did, well, why not a boy king from 3000 years ago?
  • Guinness has no record for the World’s longest nose hair, but arm (5.7 inches), chest (9 inches), ear (7.12 inches), eyebrow (7.01 inches), eyelash (2.75 inches), leg (6.5 inches) and nipple (5.07 inches) are all covered (from the 2011 Guinness Book… There may be updated records of all this) but suffice it to say, you know what? My nose hair isn’t THAT bad.
  • Scientists have found that the thinner the nose hair, the more likely you are to suffer from asthma. Grow that nose hair, gentlemen! You too, ladies! It keeps flies, and bacteria, and corn flakes, and Volkswagens out of your lungs.
  • If you think noseporn.com is far-fetched, well… There is a website dedicated solely to the humanitarian cause of sending anonymous emails to people who have offended you with unsightly nose hairs. Try it by clicking here.  The badly-translated Japanese is fun too, and the nose hair-inspired font is worth the price of admission. Ok, it’s free, so what have you got to lose… Except your nose hairs?!
  • The website recordsetter.com has a bunch of videos dedicated to people pulling out, and measuring, their nose hairs. Yeah, really.
This fence is awesome!

So, all this to say that apparently it is possible to compose a 700-word essay on nose hair. That expository writing class in high school finally paid off, Mr. Walker!

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2 thoughts on “Plain as the No…, Nevermind.”

  1. Forget plucking or messing with trimmers. Go dwarf: let your hair grow as it wills, braid it all together, and then accessorise with metal rings and clips. If anyone asks, blame Peter Jackson.

    Like

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