Click, Like, “Like” if You Like to Click “Like”

Dear Sir/Madam:

I would like to register a complaint.

But first, let me get this out in the open: I love my sister and my wife and children, and most of the other members of my family. I think unborn babies should be born, and I think cancer is pretty awful. I also think the troops should be supported (although I think a good sports bra or jock strap would do a better job than I). I love me some pets and I hate pesticides in my food. I even think we should like the Constitution, and the Bible is pretty all right with me (especially the leather-bound ones with my name emblazoned in little gold letters on the cover. Smells great dontcha know.)

So my question is, why do I have to click “Like” on Facebook as proof of my undying enthusiasm for things any non-sociopath should, by any rights, “Like”?

You know who you are.

I think, Dear Sir/Madam, that you have issues. The problem with your posts, as I see them, are threefold. The glowing picture of an unborn baby, or kitten, or happy sisters dancing under a tree in the sunset, kinda take my sarcasm gland into hyperdrive. I find it really difficult to generate enthusiasm in the face of the song “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty” rumbling like a freight train through my sterile, cat-free sense of normal. I end up doing something weird.

Second, your posts somehow are targeted to make others feel “less than.” I, Sir/Madam, am not less than. I have my own issues, of which I’m passionate, or silent, on my own time, in my own way. Telling a non-attendee “You should really be going to church” will drag them right to the warm spot in their bed. Thanks for the guilt trip. I got other stuff I’m busy with. Guilt may work for some. It doesn’t do much for me other than make Hulk Want Big Smash.

Thirdly, I think your posts are generated to be “Like-harvesters.” You can’t but like our children or our troops, or our Mother on mother’s day. Or even our mothers-in-law (they’re on our Facebook page too, after all). The only possible reasoning I can assemble is that you want a million likes. Maybe you haven’t tried selling AmWay. That’ll get you friends too.

But don’t get me wrong. I want you to post things. I want to be able to like them! I just don’t want to like those posts.  Let me give you a few examples of things I may just click on.

  • Click Like if you recently caught angry penguins raping your backpack.
  • Like if you’re the guy who made peas taste like feet (This should generate ONE click (unless it was a group effort). Just pointing that out in advance).
  • Like if you won’t iron because last time, you set your breasts on fire. Comment if you still have scars to prove it.
  • Click Like if you’ve ever told a door-to-door marching band member selling overpriced candy “I’m sorry; I don’t eat.”
  • Like if you your cat thinks you look like a 180-lb hunk of beef jerky.

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. We don’t want to be toyed with. Our emotions are our own. If I want to be sad, or impressed, I’ll do it without your help.


Mr. Like-If-You-Agree-With-This-Post, MLS.

PS. Here’s a picture of Bill the Cat, just to make more people click Like, after they realize they relate to the Post.

5 thoughts on “Click, Like, “Like” if You Like to Click “Like””

  1. I don’t have a facebook account anymore, so I don’t see what the fuss is about. Even when i had one, I didn’t bother with it much, that’s why I deleted it.


  2. I love this post so much because I agree! In fact, I think you took the words right out of my mouth… 😉 Rarely do I re-post something, either. Way to say it with humor! Rock on.


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