Quick, Random, Obnoxious Thoughts


I think it would make it easier to tell the male squirrels from the females if one of the genders had enormous breasts.

I think the only time I’ve been terrified in the last 20 years is inside a New York City cab.

I bet if Bethany starts charging $50 for a copy of student transcripts, the school will have a couple million by June. Just sayin’…

I bet there would be fewer cannibals if there were a rule in place where they had to eat themselves first.

There is a scratch in the paint, in the stairwell to our condo, that looks exactly like a weasel. Am I the only one to notice this?

I remember in 8th Grade student newsletter, Mr. Pommé being interviewed, and he said his favorite ice cream flavor was broccoli Rhubarb Crunch. He was a horrid man, but that’s the most creative ice cream flavor I’ve ever heard of. Ben & Jerry’s should  get that one in their repetoire.

Speaking of Don Ryall, every year for my birthday, he’d ask if I liked carrot cake, and I’d say, “No. I hate it.” And he’d proceed to buy me a half-sheet of carrot cake from Costco, and present it with a Mary Engelbreit card with Pinocchio on it that says “May someday you be a real boy.” Which I also hated.

I feel a little ashamed because I want Bethany University to close its doors. I recognized my feelings yesterday, as the same ones a person would have if they discovered an abusive parent were in the hospital, dying of cancer.

when I was young, I thought “company” meant chocolate pudding because one night, my mom said we were having company for dinner, and that night, we had chocolate pudding. If only more company were chocolate pudding.

If I wanted to see train wrecks, I wouldn’t watch CNN, but The Jersey Shore.

I heard the definition of the southern dish “scrapple” the other day: All the parts of the pig that weren’t good enough to put into a hot dog.  How’s that for appetizing?

When Daniel was four years old, he got in trouble for trying to teach the dog to whistle.

Why are people proud that Bethany University are on MSNBC today? It’s a little like having a celebratory toast because a drunk driver narrowly missed killing several pedestrians.

People and things are not always what they appear to be, so keep your big fat mouth shut. Not directed at anyone, except possibly myself.

What if the transgender person who tried, but failed, to be accepted by your congregation was actually Christ returned, in disguise?

For my 42nd Birthday, I got Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam. Yes, 8 cans of spam and one can of baked beans. I think we’re down to 6 cans now. Alex will eat it.  I can gag it down. Judi is still laughing at me. Daniel won’t even be in the same room as Spam.

I watched an episode of Mythbusters where they tested whether or not cabin fever was a real, clinical diagnosis. They locked Jamie and Adam, alone, into a hotel room for a week each. It’s my life goal to be a test subject in that kind of experiment.

After an hour of considering it, life is WAY to short to eat Broccoli Rhubarb Crunch ice cream.

Christians overuse, and misuse, the word “miracle”. Let’s call something miraculous when it’s truly miraculous. Not just when an unlikely occurrence tends to favor a future that you prefer. We reserve the word “coincidence” for things on that list.

Have I offended enough people yet?

Keys are a weird concept. People who value things need keys. Even your car key: it’s not really to start the car, but to keep someone else from starting your car. How would the world be different if we didn’t need keys?

Hickeys are disgusting. ‘Nuff said.

Before she became a writer, Flannery O’Connor was famous in rural Georgia because she taught a chicken to walk backwards. That, my friends, is fame.

Enough thoughts for one day. See y’all soon.

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8 thoughts on “Quick, Random, Obnoxious Thoughts”

  1. LOL! Love Don Ryall! Was my favorite teacher there!

    I don’t want to see Bethany close, but don’t see why it should stay open. I think it was Tammy (sorry if I’m wrong), that made a good point: they are teaching by example. For that reason alone, they should close.

    Why am I thinking about big boobed squirrels now??? Thanks a lot… (lol)

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  2. Spam is scrapple canned.
    Couldn’t you tell the carrot cake guy that you LOVED carrot cake and hated chocolate pudding? (BTW Any dessert from Costco is plastic, who wants a plastic dessert for their birthday?)
    Which is a less desirable birthday present, Spam or carrot cake or a ride in a NYC taxi? The taxi I assume you had to pay for, which may have been the scariest part.

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  3. I liked the thoughts–and I wish I had Ryall as a teacher! Although I don’t know if people were “proud” of BU being on MSNBC for those reasons, as much as simply attempting to spread the news of what happened.

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  4. We did once see a squirrel with humongous balls; we definitely knew he was a he-squirrel.
    Confession: I secretly encouraged Don to buy the carrot cake and Pinocchio card.
    Re: Bethany… I’m surprised that I’m conflicted. I know some of the inner details from some of the boots-on-the-ground folks there, and, if I’d had a vote, I would have voted for closure. I don’t think 90 days will help; I actually think that it will hurt those students, faculty and staff that are still there if they continue to hope and don’t plan for their future. I’ve also seen a LOT of pledge campaigns, and in my experience, if 75% of the pledges end up in real dollars donated, that’s a good campaign. I honestly don’t think it can be done. The surprising thing is that I hope I’m wrong.

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  5. Brian…how can you NOT love carrot cake. I’m deeply disappointed. The key thought is really original, and you, as usual, are funny. 🙂

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  6. The two-breasted squirrel scampered …Aagh! I agree about cannibals, though after this blog they’ll probably have endangered species status.

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