I may have been projecting an aura of misanthropic pessimism in some of my posts, but my intent isn’t that way. I have often wondered if I am Jack Nicholson in As Good as It Gets but the fact remains: I need people. “I am a rock,” declare the Paul Simon lyrics. “I am an island. And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.” I may not know much about myself, but I know I’m not that guy.
But I like being alone. I recharge the batteries of my soul in those times. There’s a kind of gentle solace in being alone that allows me to refocus, and reflect and to accept events. My passions aren’t shallow, as I sit and think exquisitely rude thoughts toward my fellow human beings. But I love deeply: more than people would believe unless they talked with me awhile. I want to know what makes people behave: even the minister who blithely advised me with the wrong words. There has to be a reason he leaned so passionately into God. Maybe he was having marital troubles. Maybe his child was chronically sick. People don’t just one day become an ass: there’s an accrual of events that lead to layering of assish tendencies. A really good douchebag takes years to produce. If I can just allow myself to walk a mile in his/her ass-shoes, maybe I won’t be so quick to judge his sorry ass. That sort of reflection, I hope, saves me from a future pain-in-the-ass. But I do it quietly, in my down time.
The purpose of this blog is twofold: first, I want a legacy of sorts for my sons to hold onto, years later, when they’re showing their children what grandpa was like. It’s just enough of a footprint that I feel, in this digital age, they might have a randomly skewed perspective of ol’ lumpy granddad, if they ever feel like reading the thoughts I put down here. A second reason is the desire to share my thoughts with a wider audience. To be honest, I think a lot. Some of those thoughts are not of themselves all that brilliant, but I have them anyhow. I surely won’t speak them from a pulpit. Maybe my travails and reflections might help somebody else. I don’t know. I’m not a judge of such things. I just write them and cross my fingers that I’m not adding more pain into an already-painful world. Thanks so much for reading. I mean that.