Porno H. Christ [Repost from Feb 2007]


**WARNING** The speculations I considered while writing this post might be offensive for some Christian readers.

B.

*****

“Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine, but find it easy to read Playboy?”

I’m about to write something that may very will (given my belief in the existence of God) have me looking not unlike a lump of charcoal in about five minutes.

What if Jesus had died while having sex with Mary Magdalene?

Just ponder for a moment if the Lord and Savior of the Christian faith had died some other way than on the cross. Not in fornication–we’ll let him be married for our “what if” moment and thus remain sinless… Let’s imagine: No Roman soldiers, no Judas’ Kiss (good song by the way), no cross… Let’s imagine he died in the throes of passion, and in that moment of orgasmic delight and his heart seized up. He still raised from the dead after three days.

Would he still be the Savior?

Are you still reading? Good.

Instead of a cross behind the pulpit we would have, dunno… a condom? A giant godlike phallus?

What other facets of the religion would have changed? for one thing, I’m certain we wouldn’t have nearly the religio-cultural disdain for sex that we have managed. Our body/soul/spirit trichotomy (to which we hold so dear) would seem somewhat vapid. Peter, who (as per tradition) died hanging upside down on a cross, so he could die like his savior would have died…. I’ll leave that to your filthy imaginations.

What I’m driving at here (thus endeth the heresy), is that Christ’s death has shaped the religion more deeply than I think we realize. Do we glorify violence because Christ died violently? Do we despise sex because Christ lived (as per tradition) a sexless life? Does Playboy exist precisely because we have underemphasized sex in the church, and because Christ presumably had no need for sex, thus neither do we?

Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe Christian magazines would be less boring if they put more Gibsonlike Jesus-snuff porn in them to glorify Christ’s death. I don’t know. Maybe Christians are just plain uglier naked. I still don’t know. I only read them for the articles. And whaddya know? I’m not a cinder yet!

Zzzzzzzzz.

BJC

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